"The Long Winding Road of Friendship"

Brene Brown is my higher power.

The number 5 usually indicates someone who is full of energy but unable to channel it responsibly. 

I met Robyn at 16, we had been hired as summer camp counselors and in charge of entertaining kids in the summer sun.

She was funny, loyal, and laughed at all my jokes. We were both athletes and played competitively against each other and eventually on the same team. We spent every weekend together until college; dating best friends, going to dances, sneaking out of the house, sneaking into the house, laying on the floor in front of the electric heater eating cereal at 3 in the morning. Then things changed . . .

College took us to opposite ends of the United States. I was at the UW living on campus as a freshman, licking the wounds that kept me from playing college softball. Robyn moved to Florida to go to school and play softball on a scholarship. She was an amazing athlete, but I didn’t tell her.

in 1999, we were just coming into our 20’s and we were both without cell phones, social media, and email. (gasp) I don’t think I even had a computer. I do remember writing letters to each other, and wanting to be missed as much as I missed her, but I didn’t write that, and neither did she. 

Growing up I never heard people talk about or teach vulnerability as courage. We were taught the opposite, be tough, don’t cry, feelings are for sissies. Leading vulnerability expert, Brene Brown wouldn’t give her famous vulnerability as courage Ted talk until 2010.

I didn’t see Robyn again until I was 25. We ran into each other at a friend’s wedding. She looked beautiful, she was the life of the party. I wanted to be her friend, I wanted to be in her circle, I felt left out, but I didn’t say it. 5 more years went by. . .

At 30 I received a phone call in the evening from a number I didn’t recognize. I answered, it was Robyn, she was crying. She told me her 2-year-old son had brought her a photo album he found in the house, it was the one I made her when we graduated high school. In it, I had written her a letter. She said the letter made her cry all these years later. She was so sorry we had drifted apart and she wanted to be friends again.

Our friendship was spotty for the next 5 years. She made it to my 30th birthday, I made it to her bachelorette party and her wedding but we were more strangers than friends at those events. In between, we had a lot of broken plans. I’ll call ya later . . .  Let’s do something this weekend. . .  Let’s get together soon . . . I’ll call you. . .

Then she stood me up on a Friday night. I was ready and waiting and she no-showed/no called. This time I told her how much she hurt my feelings. She apologized, her phone had broken the day before and figured I wouldn’t care if we broke plans. I did care, and 5 years passed until we would see each other again.

I have always desired deep loyal, friendships but I wasn’t able to facilitate them because I was not available, vulnerable, or honest. My heart, head and mouth were not aligned and this caused confusion in myself which affected my relationships with others.

This began to change when I met Jill in 2015. Jill was a friendship filled with sobriety, communication, vulnerability, grace, patience, and love. Without realizing it was happening, Jill showed me how to show up, how to share my feelings when I hurt and how to listen. Jill became my friendship teacher.

Over time and with practice my communication got better, What I said out-loud began to align with what I felt in my heart and thought in my head. I read Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle & Elizabeth Gilbert. I spent time in silence, looking inward. I made plans I wanted to keep. I practiced opening up when I wanted to shut down. 

Robyn spent those same 5 years doing her own inner work. Reading those same books. Reflecting on her friendships. Evaluating what was important. But I didn’t know this yet when she reached out in April of 2020 and I was hesitant to reach back.

She reached out again in July. She wanted to see the store and meet Jill. I was hesitant to let her in. We made plans for her to come by on a Saturday. I held those plans loosely in my hand. I was hesitant for fear of disappointment and heartbreak. She could feel this hesitance. 

The morning we were to meet at the store:

Robyn, First DM: see you today!

Robyn, Second DM: getting ready to come to see you!

Robyn, Third DM: getting in the car!

Robyn, 4th DM: My ETA is 40 minutes!

Robyn, 5th DM: I’m here!

We spent the rest of the day together and it felt as if no time had passed. After I showed her our storefront, we designed a turquoise choker and a pair of FauxyFurr Boho boots. We went to dinner and she met Jill. We spent the evening laughing at all the silly things we did as dumb kids. Robyn told stories, Jill had never heard. Robyn opened up about the hurt she felt in our friendship and why she had behaved the way she did. I opened up about the hurt I had felt in our friendship and why I had behaved the way I did. We were vulnerable with each other, honest, and open.

 I went to bed that night with a heart full of love. I had my friend back and I loved her just as much as I did when we were 16. 

Xox, 

J